What’s Your Relationship Attachment Style?

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -Rumi

Attachment is a buzz word you may have heard before, perhaps in Psych 101 class or mentioned in parenting books. But did you know that discovering what your and/or your partner’s attachment styles are can unlock the key to a greater understanding of your needs and theirs?

For the most part, we form our attachment styles starting as babies through some of our earliest experiences with our primary caregivers as a result of the way they respond to our needs, such as crying to be fed or soothed. When a caregiver is attuned to the needs of the baby, the baby feels safe and secure with that person. They learn their needs can and will be met when they signal for it. This creates Secure Attachment.  

However, if the caregiver is often emotionally or physically unavailable, inconsistent in their level of attunement to those needs, or there is abuse/neglect occurring, the child will learn to adapt in several ways in order to cope with the inconsistencies of the caregiver. These coping strategies form different attachment styles: Avoidant, Anxious/Preoccupied and Fearful/Avoidant. As adults we tend to carry these attachment styles with us in our romantic relationships, and they show up in the way we view our emotional needs.   

The following descriptions will give a brief summary of the way these Attachment Styles tend to present in people. You may resonate with some of these as you read.

Secure

 High ability to convey and express emotions appropriately

Have healthy boundaries with others

Have many close relationships

Feel generally secure while single or in a relationship

Have a positive outlook on their relationships and social interactions

Are overall resilient in the face of loss or change

Avoidant

Very self-sufficient, and independent

Do not like to ask others for support

Struggle to identify and express their emotions, especially during an argument

Shut down when confronted and tend to isolate after an argument

May have commitment issues due to viewing intimacy as vulnerable and risky

Have very few close relationships

Can be passive-aggressive during conflict

Anxious/Preoccupied

Are very attuned to the needs of others

Sometimes place others’ needs before their own needs

Strong fear of abandonment

Insecure about relationships and sometimes friendships

Can become clingy, overly sensitive, and possessive at times

Need validation of their feelings and reassurance by their partner

Struggle with being single and alone in general

Fearful/Avoidant

Have often experienced trauma, abuse and/or neglect at an early age

Desire closeness yet push others away simultaneously

Attachment to others is fused with fear

Fear of both intimacy and abandonment

Struggle to recall feelings related to past attachments, become confused, disconnected and disoriented

You may resonate with several statements in one or more of these categories, people are often a combination of two primary attachment styles. We can also have different attachment styles with different people, ie. Secure with mom, Avoidant with a partner. But when we learn what our attachment style is and what our partner’s is, then not only do we understand why we react to situations in habitual ways, but we can have a better understanding of the lens our partner views the relationship in, and what they are communicating to us on an unspoken level. Viewing relationships from this framework allows us to be able to attune to the needs of our partner, and be able to work together toward a more secure and strong relationship.

If you want to learn more about discovering your attachment style, you can take the free questionnaire found on the resources page, or check out the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.