Four Ways to Improve Your Relationship Communication
We can all fall into negative patterns in our romantic partnerships, even if we know the “right” or “healthy” ways to communicate our issues and needs. First I will list the four common unhealthy communication pitfalls and then provide four strategies that are quick and easy ways to make big shifts in your relationship dynamic when you find yourself in conflict. John and Julie Gottman, two of the leading couples therapy trainers have identified what they call the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These are four behaviors that couples engage in which can be predictors of divorce. Below are the descriptions of each of them as well as what the Gottmans refer to as the Antidotes for them.
Criticism- Complaining in a manner that attacks the other person’s character .
Example “You never tell me when you’re going to be working late. You are so self-centered.”
Antidote: Express your feelings (actual emotion not a belief) in the form of an I-statement followed by a positive request/need (a hope wish or desire you have for your partner to fulfill).
Example: I feel worried when you don’t let me know when you’re going to be home from work. Can you please check in by 6pm?
Contempt- Statements that imply superiority over the other person.
Example: “You are so messy and disrespectful”
Antidote: Cultivating appreciation for each other’s feelings and needs and openly expressing them to one another.
Example: I feel hurt that you left dishes in the sink right after I just cleaned the house. Can we work together to pick up after ourselves so we can both enjoy our shared space?
Defensiveness- Self protective responses that echo victimhood.
Example: “It’s not my fault the house doesn’t stay clean, you leave your clothes all over the floor.”
Antidote: Accepting responsibility for part of the issue.
Example: “I do need to be better about putting the dishes in the dishwasher, so part of it is something I can work on.”
Stonewalling- Emotional Withdrawing and shutting down from the conversation.
Example: “I’m done discussing this, I’m not talking to you for the rest of the night.”
Antidote: Being able to self-soothe in order to stay connected to your partner
Examples: breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, taking a 10-minute pause to reset
For more resources from the Gottman Institute, check out their website:
