Addiction Adjacent Part 2: Boundary Setting
Identifying your limits, threshold tolerance and personal boundaries from a healthy standpoint is a huge part of supporting a loved one in their recovery. Here are some questions taken from Beyond Addiction (Foote, Wilkens, Kosanke & Higgs 2014) that we should ask ourselves when discerning if we are not in touch with our own limits:
Do you do/say things in the moment or overextend yourself to your loved one in a way that you later regret?
Are you responding in ways that don’t feel like yourself or the person you strive to be?
Are you regularly storing up resentment, frustration, tension or rage toward your loved one?
In what situations do you feel pushed over the edge?
Do you ruminate/fixate on certain interactions with your loved one?
Answering yes to any of these may indicate not being in touch with your limits with this person. Knowing the answers will inform how to move forward in the future. As important as having patience is, recognizing when it is too much is equally important to longevity in providing healthy support.
“By developing awareness of your own limits, you will begin to see what you can handle in certain situations, with certain people, in a variety of emotional states” (Beyond Addiction, 2014) .
Here are Four Aspects of Experience the book outlines to take note of your limits which will help you avoid becoming overwhelmed, flooded or reaching a breaking point:
Emotions: Fear, Rage, Hurt, Despair lead to larger problems. Walk away and take space when you notice the early stages of any of these feelings
Physical Sensations of Distress: nausea, headaches, becoming flushed, etc. may be a sign of approaching a breaking point
Catastrophic or Black and White Thinking: “he will never change” “I can’t do this anymore” are some examples of reaching your limit
Actions: Impulsive decisions, becoming reckless, stonewalling
Once you have the awareness of these patterns in reaching your breaking point or limit, you can begin to work on creative and healthy solutions. Here are some examples of alternative ways to respond to situations where you can empower yourself through what you are able to have control over:
You anticipate your partner routinely coming home late after a night of drinking or using.
Healthy response: Distracting yourself by going out with friends or taking a yoga class
Frustration toward your partner for not helping clean the kitchen due to their excessive sleeping off their drug or alcohol bingeing
Healthy response: Order takeout and address the issue in the morning when they are sober
Anxiety about your partner excessively spending on their substance habit
Healthy response: Getting a separate bank account to prevent your own income from being drained
This post is just a small start in ways to begin creating awareness and shifting your reactions. Joining a support group such as Al-Anon, going to therapy and doing more of your own self care are other great ways to feel supported.
