Helping Someone You Love with an Addiction: What Really Motivates Change
If you have ever been in or are currently in a situation where someone you love is struggling with addiction, it can be confusing to know how to support them. There might even be anger and fear that comes up for you, which can be an added layer of difficulty. There are many philosophies out there, especially among traditional AA models that complete abstinence is the only form of recovery. They often the stance that that a loved one should completely stay out of the person’s recovery and only do their own work on themselves (such as Al-Anon) because it is seen as enabling, codependent, or even harmful. However in recent years things have shifted in some circles. The latest research shows that family/partner involvement in a person’s recovery journey can actually positively influence change if approached correctly.
According to the work of Jeffrey Foot, PhD, Carrie Wilkens, PhD and Nicole Kosanke PhD they have created a compassionate, positive, and person centered approach for loved ones in motivating change in recovery. They outline a list of what really helps people want to change in their book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (2014) shown here:
Things That Can Change Motivation
Feeling acknowledged/understood/accepted as you are
Getting information without pressure
Having options
Having a reason that makes sense for a particular choice
Having a sense of competence about steps to take toward change
Getting positive feedback for a positive change
The more you can meet your loved one where they are at in their recovery process, and celebrate small wins, as well as validate their experience, the more likely the person is to actually feel trust and openness with you about their recovery process. Their recovery might not look like complete abstinence right away, and supporting their way of working through it can actually help them get better sooner.
Taking care of yourself along side someone’s recovery will continue to be extremely important as well. Here are some tips taken from the book for self care:
Develop Resiliency- maintaining a good self care routine of eating well, sleeping well, exercise and staying healthy will help you bounce back more quickly from setbacks that arise
Learn Distress Tolerance- being able to self sooth through healthy distraction by shifting your focus, relaxation, and taking breaks from the issue to revisit later
Shift your Perspective- realizing you have a choice in how you respond to a situation, notice patterns, and be able to see a path forward
Notice your Own Triggers- recognizing triggers for your anxiety about any behaviors you associate with your loved one’s use, and implement healthy coping tools to work through what comes up rather than react from a triggered place without reason
Go to Therapy!
I’m going to write a Part 2 to this topic because it is so vast, and I want each post to be digestible. More to come next month!
