Narcissism Part 2: What is Narcissistic Abuse and How to Heal From It
Narcissistic abuse can be extremely confusing and manipulative, leading the person experiencing it to sometimes question reality, blame themselves, take responsibility for the other person’s abusive behavior, and continue to keep the person in their life despite toxic patterns. Those of use who are most vulnerable to narcissists tend to be empaths, rescuers, optimistic, and forgiving. Unfortunately these traits can lead to poor boundaries in narcissistic relationships. The following post will outline various abusive tactics that narcissists use and how to heal from it. This kind of abuse can range from mild manipulation to full on exploitation and violence.
The Narcissistic Romantic Relationship Cycle
A narcissistic romantic relationship will often follow the same pattern beginning with Love Bombing. It is often an intense, romantic pursuit that can seem intoxicating and exciting. “Love bombing is an indoctrination into a controlling and manipulative relationship…it’s the ‘hook’ and creates buy in” -Rami Durvasula (2024). They are extremely charming and charismatic to draw you in.
A few months after love bombing starts, devaluation begins. They may start to subtly say things to compare you to others and put you down which may cause you to try and change in order to keep the positive attention and maintain the connection. The narcissist will then discard you by having an affair or withdrawing their love and attention completely by losing interest.
They will then inevitably try to suck you back in to get you to give them their narcissistic supply, especially if you seem happy without them, and the cycle will start all over again once they get you back.
What can result from being subjected to narcissistic abuse after leaving a relationship?
Survivors are often left feeling powerless, hopeless, confused and guilty. Rami Durvasula describes The 3 R’s: Regret, Rumination and (euphoric) Recall. The person begins to have regrets about it ending or not doing enough to fix things, they will ruminate excessively about the events in the relationship and what may have gone wrong, and finally they will start romanticizing the past through euphoric recall.
Common Abuse Tactics
Gaslighting: This is a term many of us are familiar with due to its recent appearance in mainstream media. The narcissist will cast doubt on your experience by minimizing and denying your feelings or perception and causing you to question your own reality. Examples: It’s not that big of a deal, it’s all in your head, I never did that.
Note that not everyone who gaslights is automatically a narcissist, but the following pattern may more clearly explain this dynamic when dealing with a narcissist. Dr. Jennifer Freyd created the DARVO model which outlines the typical pattern of gaslighting by an abuser: Deny the behavior, Attack the person who’s confronting, and Reverse Victim and Offender by putting themselves in the victim role.
Ramani Durvasula has broken down additional abusive patterns into five categories: DIMMER patterns, Domination patterns, Disagreeable patterns, Betrayal Patterns and Deprivation Patterns. I will not go into too much detail with these but for more you can read her book cited below.
DIMMER patterns: acronym for dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, exploitation and rage. These all represent a devaluing/diminishing of the person.
Domination patterns: domination, isolation, revenge and threats
Disagreeable patterns: arguing, baiting, blame shifting, justifying, rationalizing, criticizing, being contemptuous, humiliating
Betrayal patterns: Lying, being unfaithful, future faking (making promises they won’t keep)
Deprivation patterns: deprivation of love/time, breadcrumbing (slowly giving less and less)
How can we heal and move forward?
Whether you decide to keep a narcissist in your life or cut them out, radical acceptance is the biggest step to take toward healing. This doesn’t mean condoning the behavior. This means fully understanding and believing that the narcissist’s behavior is simply never going to change. This will lead to a sense of empowerment and relief when you can change your expectations of the person, as well as know that they are not emotionally safe to rely on.
If you do find yourself dealing with a narcissist I highly recommend you read the book, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People” by Ramani Durvasula. There is a ton more information that will help you make changes and move forward.
